Katie: sabotage

Here’s the thing I am struggling with food.  I am hungry what seems like all the time.  I don’t know how much of it is true hunger and how much of it is my mind making my tummy rumble.  My jeans are tight, uncomfortably tight.  I feel panic setting in about it.  I take deep breaths and remind myself that I am running a marathon in 4 weeks, a life long dream, about to come to fruition.  I tell myself to worry about it later.

I am eating a lot, most of it is really healthy whole foods.  I joke a lot about choc chips and while I eat my fair share of them, I also eat a lot of really nutritious foods.  At least I know the food going in is the best of fuels.  Yet, at the end of the day if I am honest with myself I know I am eating too much.  I am reminded of the early days of this weight loss journey when I was stuffing almonds and avocado down the old gullet and thinking the calories didn’t matter because they were healthy.  I went back to using my fitness pal this week, usually that does the trick gets me back on track being mindful of what I eat.  So I have entered every almond, avocado, dried mango slice, falafel chip, spoonful of natural PB, sprouted wrap, Ezekiel cereal, Hemp Heart, Chia Seed and Dark Organic Choc Bar…it hasn’t slowed me down.

All my life I have struggled with self sabotaging myself.  4 weeks out from making a huge life long dream come true and I am over feeding myself, causing a rising panic.  Forget that I am in great shape, fully ready to run that 42 km and rock it (rock it first time style, won’t be qualifying for Boston! lol).  My thoughts and energies should be on preparing for the race and getting excited.  Instead, I am walking through my days and evenings in a food fog, numb.  What am I afraid of? Why am I doing this?

Well….Its written here now…there is something powerful about that alone.  Can’t hide from that.  I can’t hide behind the “its healthy food” and keep telling myself that its ok and doesn’t matter.  It does matter.  It matters because I am using food to sabotage myself again.

When I am running and my mind starts to say WHOA WHAT ARE YOU DOING….you better stop….I keep going.  I need to find that strength and will and set myself straight on the food part.  I need to fight this panic, push through it and know that I will be ok.

After last Sat’s 32km run….felt on top of the world…need to harness that feeling.


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About Katie Squires

I am a stay at home mom, with two little girls ages 3 and 5. A former couch potato turned fitness enthusiast, I am on a mission to empower other women to live their best active life. You can follow me at http://fitmominbarrhaven.com/
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5 Responses to Katie: sabotage

  1. Lara C W says:

    I got a lump in my throat because I can identify with self sabotage – many of us do it again and again, regardless of the vice. Instead of focussing on the why of the negative act (which is usually always fear, am I good enough type stuff), focus on the why of all the positive. Remind yourself everyday. Why am I running a marathon? Why am I living a healthy lifestyle? Why am I helping others make healthy changes?

    Answer is because you are good enough. You deserve great things. You love your children. You are a good empathetic loving person. So be kind to yourself too. There’s a fine line between being real with yourself and over analyzing your “hunger”. Maybe do some positive visualization of what it’s going to feel like to cross the finish line in 4 weeks. Replace disappointment with yourself by recalling happy memories of your kids as brand new babies and the emotions around that.

    And please when you do your food tracking I hope you are doing the equation for caloric demand based on basal metabolic rate and activity levels plus adding in kcal from exercise – Leys not go into a calorie deficit before your big race!!!! Most of all xxxxoooo

  2. Barbara says:

    Oh, Katie. How tough! We want to be “fixed” don’t we? But we are works in progress. We’ll always relate to food differently than others. Would it help to put yourself on the Dr Katie Plan? That is, instead of journalling what you eat, decide each day what you’re allowed and then when that is gone, stop? It might recalibrate your expectations (or it might take you to disordered eating, if so, don’t). I think it’s like putting yourself on an envelope budget and banning credit cards. It works for some people.

    Most of all, be kind to yourself – in deed and thoughts.

  3. J. says:

    you’re training for a marathon run? Are you allowing for the exercise calories? I am running increasingly long as well, and I am finding that in recent weeks as the mileage has increased so has the desire to eat increased dramatically…you sure it’s self-sabotage and not the consequence of training?

  4. bearrunner says:

    You are going to eat a lot running the miles you are running… I constantly eat, or at least it seems that way… Taper weeks are the worse for eating, for myself any way


  5. Katie Squires says:

    Here come the emotional kid tears…thank-you for all your words…it amazes me every time that someone would take the time to leave a comment in kind to help me :) This why I love blogging. I most definitely take into account the exercise…my daily calorie intake is usually around or over 2500 cals on normal exercise days. UBER LONG RUN DAYS…its an eating parade! LOL. Have to say hearing that others are experiencing the hunger with the runs is making me feel better. I think its hard for me because I have the combo of the “disordered eating past” (bulimia, obesity) and trying to workout all these feelings with regards to food. So there is definitely a real hunger at bay, because of the running. But also I am also using food to numb the fear of coming close to a goal. Deep Breathe…time to kick some more demons to the curb! BOO YEAH!

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