You know, these past three weeks have been really challenging. Times I just had to laugh at the absurdity of not having an arm to do simple tasks, of the struggle to put a bra on, or pull on underwear…and you know…when it rains, it pours. My littlest has been teething and currently has a bad fever. Our furnace has been acting up, and has quit three times (so far) but we have no idea yet what is wrong. And, although I can’t get into detail, we have a pressing, emotionally draining and very difficult family situation happening that has recently come to a head.
And did I mention that my Mother is currently living with us, helping me care for my girls? Um…yeah. I’m very appreciative. She is wonderful with the girls. She generously is cleaning my home, and cooking us meals, and…preventing me from controlling almost anything in my life. With everything going on, and my inability to do what I normally do…I was feeling the walls close in on me.
Today, I went to work and looked outside the window at the sun and fresh air and I MADE myself put on my runners (no mean feat) and struggle with my poncho (yeah, I’m wearing a fall poncho as my winter jacket) and choose to go for a walk – and not just to Starbucks.
You know what? I don’t think I knew (truly knew) just how much I needed that. Needed the vitamin D. Needed the fresh air. NEEDED the exercise.
But mostly, needed the freedom from having walls around me. As I started to take deeper breaths, look around, and enjoy simply being out, I could literally FEEL the clutter in my mind. I realized as all the thoughts swirled around that I needed the walk more for the ability to open up my mind and release some of the intense pressure that had built up there. Around and around all the threads swirled, loosening and then releasing out into the vast space around me. And I had a moment of clarity.
If I was taking better care of myself, my ability to tackle all of other life’s challenges would improve.
I knew this once. I lost it, but now I remember. I need to love myself again. I need to prioritize myself again. And…I need to make space in my cluttered world for the clarity that comes from a walk in the sun, beyond all the walls that hold me inside, just breathing and being.