The thing about being overweight and having PCOS is that sometimes my body reacts to changes in new and fun ways.

Right now I have a break-out on my chin. I don’t know if it’s acne or a rash or a reaction to something, but I imagine it has something to do with stress and hormone fluctuations. I know for sure that it’s embarrassing and makes me feel really bad about how I look.

Frankly I’m tired of that. I’m so tired of being uncomfortable about something that my own body is doing to me.

It’s Christmas and there’s stress and there’s work and schedules are out of whack, but I should be reacting in new ways – like going for a walk – instead of the same old, same old.

I’m not there yet. I’m falling back into old routines, and my skin is paying for it.

I’m marking this as my last post for 2013. In the new year I will start re-training my brain again, walking out my stress and anger on the treadmill, cooking healthier meals and planning healthier snacks, kicking my Coke habit and reducing my sugar intake. The kid and I will be doing yoga classes together, which should be great for both of us, and maybe I’ll plan one day of swimming together every week too.

I’m heading into 2014 incomfortable but optimistic. If I keep pushing myself to change it will stick eventually.

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Starting again

The last few month I have been focusing on my mind. I have spent a lot of time talking, thinking and making life decisions. During this time I chose to neglect my exercise routine and I also did a whole lot of comfort eating. Too much, as I have gained another 10lbs. Even so, I am not that worked up about it. I consciously decided to relax about food. I find counting calories takes a lot of my brain capacity and I needed that brain to focus on my emotional health.

That being said, it is time to get back to some kind of fitness routine. I switched to a new gym so that I can work out with one of my best friends a few times a week. The cost of this gym is a little higher than my previous one but having her there with me makes it all worth while. We worked out together 10 years ago when I lost 40lbs. I don’t expect those kind of results this time (I am 10 years older) but I know results will come. We are very good at motivating each other.

Another motivator is that I have signed up to walk in the Niagara Women and Wine half marathon. I have a personal goal of walking it in 3.5 hours or better. To meet that goal I will have to train consistently. I have requested the John Stanton Walking book from my library and I will plan my workouts based on his 17 week plan. It is a very similar plan to the running plan. I may also sign up for a walking clinic at my local Running Room store to see if I can get any tips and tricks from them.

Needless to say this winter is going to be a lot more active than my fall was and I am looking forward to it.

What are your plans for the winter?

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All I want for Christmas

So I’ve been exercising more, moving more, being more conscious of my energy. I have been using exercise for anger management. I have been feeling better (except this week, with my exercise falling by the wayside with meetings and tired).

While I’ve only lost about 5 lbs and I’m not sure about strength or fitness at this point one thing I have certainly noticed is something that’s really starting to get on my nerves.

My chest measurement must be at least slightly different because none of my bras fit comfortably any more.

When you have bras that have fit really well it’s a really good feeling. When they stop fitting well it’s really, really irritating.

In fact, I’m wondering if the clothes that I have that I love and that fit well are holding me back from losing weight and eating healthier. It’s so expensive to buy new clothes all the time, and I never feel good about myself when I’m not comfortable.

In fact, I don’t feel good about myself very much at the moment.

My kingdom for comfortable underwear!

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I’m down today – and not a “yay! I stepped on the scale and I’m down this week!” kinda down either.

After stepping on the scale this morning, I feel defeated.

The scale and I have a history of bad relationships and I should know better than to go back to it. But the truth is, I always seem to find myself going back. If this were a real relationship (with a person), my friends and family would be telling me I was an idiot for going back to such an abusive relationship. My life would be filled with interventions and ultimatums. I would be surrounded by statements like “I can’t keep watching you do this to yourself” and “Why can’t you learn that this always ends in heartbreak” and “why can’t you EVER learn?”.

I really need to listen to those statements. Because they are completely true.

But then the “realist” in me says something like “There is NO POSSIBLE WAY you can NOT lose weight. At 220lbs, you have a lot to lose and that number is weigh (see what I did there?) too high to start pulling the “the scale doesn’t matter” card. When that number is down about 50lbs, THEN we can talk about not caring about that number. For now, my inner self is telling me not looking at those numbers, no matter how bad they make me feel, is just an excuse to allow myself to deny what I have become.

But it is so very hard to have a week like my last week – one where I drank lots of water, exercised 5 out of 7 days, ate better… and still saw a number higher this week than last. And I’m not even talking about an amount you can blame the clothes you are wearing type number either. Today, the number was 2 lbs higher than the last time I stepped on a scale (2 weeks ago). 

And THAT makes me feel defeated. 

I wonder if I should something like go to my doctor and ask for my thyroid to be tested, or go to a naturopath and check for food intolerances, or give weight watchers one more kick at the can… I’m just emotional, and frustrated, and  wishing for an explanation. I’m trying so hard and people keep telling me they SEE a difference in me (or the shape of my body) but I can’t get past the fact that I SHOULD be seeing a difference in that number (rather than only in my clothes). 

I’m just feeling down.

BUT, I’m not ready to give up and I will keep on trucking. Because I will NOT let that number get higher. But this still sucks. :(

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Anger Management

It’s been a rough couple of weeks here at the Boughner house. Either my husband or I has been sick in bed for at least five of the last 14 days. This makes it really hard to make sure the kid is taken care of and the house is in decent shape. With both of us sick I ended up doing groceries on Monday night because I didn’t want to wake up again on Tuesday morning and be struggling to find good snacks for my daughter.

Usually we do okay around here and when things implode I get frustrated and angry. When my daughter decides to fight me on everything I say or do I get frustrated and angry.

When I get frustrated and angry I want chocolate.

I know myself well enough that I know I use food for my emotions. It’s pretty obvious and I’m pretty good at analyzing myself.

But last week?

Last week there was one day when the kid was doing her thing and I’d had a bad day and things were out of control and I texted my husband and told him that I would need time when he got home.

And then I went and changed into some workout clothes.

As soon as Joe walked in the door, I went downstairs and pounded out my feelings on the treadmill. When dinner was cooked I was covered in sweat and feeling better about everything. It’s now at a point when if I haven’t done the treadmill one day I almost don’t stop thinking about it until I get my time in.

This is a much better strategy.

Diet is my problem and I’ve got a long way to go, but I’m moving and that’s better than not moving.


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Self Talk

I recently decided I needed to work on myself. Not just my body but my mind as well. I though it would help me with my mood swings and with plans I have for the future. As I discuss things with my counselor and read books I am finding that the topic of self talk comes back again and again. I hadn’t realized I was doing myself such a disservice, and maybe you are doing the same to yourself.

Does these sound familiar:

  • “Why should I even bother, I’ll never be able to lose the weight”
  • “Who do I think I am, I am not qualified to do that”
  • “Some day they will realize what a fraud I am and fire me/stop being my friend/stop listening to what I have to say”
  • “I love what she is doing, but I could NEVER do it myself”

And on and on. I know I talk to myself like this often. Even when I am sitting in a position of strength where I really do know what I am doing, I will talk down to myself. It is a huge issue. And one that plagues women more then men.

Initially I didn’t think the work I was doing would help me physically, but now I see I was wrong. This negative self talk is holding me back in my weight loss and body acceptance, as much as it is in my career.

Here are a few ways to work through the negative self talk. Challenge the way you are thinking and come out better for it. I used to resign myself that this was how it had to be. It doesn’t.


Source: PsychCentral

1. Reality testing

  • What is my evidence for and against my thinking?
  • Are my thoughts factual, or are they just my interpretations?
  • Am I jumping to negative conclusions?
  • How can I find out if my thoughts are actually true?

2. Look for alternative explanations

  • Are there any other ways that I could look at this situation?
  • What else could this mean?
  • If I were being positive, how would I perceive this situation?

3. Putting it in perspective

  • Is this situation as bad as I am making out to be?
  • What is the worst thing that could happen? How likely is it?
  • What is the best thing that could happen?
  • What is most likely to happen?
  • Is there anything good about this situation?
  • Will this matter in five years time?

When you feel anxious, depressed or stressed-out your self-talk is likely to become extreme, you’ll be more likely to expect the worst and focus on the most negative aspects of your situation. So, it’s helpful to try and put things into their proper perspective.

4. Using goal-directed thinking

  • Is thinking this way helping me to feel good or to achieve my goals?
  • What can I do that will help me solve the problem?
  • Is there something I can learn from this situation, to help me do it better next time?

Recognizing that your current way of thinking might be self-defeating (e.g., it doesn’t make you feel good or help you to get what you want) can sometimes motivate you to look at things from a different perspective.

You can conquer your negative self-talk today by challenging yourself with these questions every time you catch yourself thinking something negative to yourself.


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Stretch and relax

One of the things I want to get back to doing regularly is yoga.

I have good reason to believe that it’s good for me.

I also know that with all the walking I’ve been doing on the treadmill, my body feels tight and yoga would help release that.

I’ve done a few classes off and on, but never managed to get into a habit of it. Last year I managed to find a DVD copy of my favourite yoga tape and I’ve rolled out the mat at home a few times.

I don’t remember when I first got the VHS tape, but it was back when Crunch Fitness was a big thing. Also, people regularly bought VHS tapes. The host is named Sarah Ivanhoe and the DVD is called Fat Burning Yoga.

I’m still trying to figure out if a class or the DVD is the best approach for me, but I need to start doing either one or the other.

The thing I love about yoga is that it’s hard but feels good at the same time, and every time I do the Savasana at the end of a class I feel better and I forget all the hard work – until I feel it in my muscles the next day.

One day I was walking around wondering why my arms and shoulders were aching, and then I remembered that they had borne the brunt of my body weight for the better part of an hour in a yoga class the day before.

An added plus is that every time my daughter sees me doing my yoga she joins in, which adds some fun for me and gives her another healthy habit.

Ready to salute the sun

Ready to salute the sun

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