I’m down today – and not a “yay! I stepped on the scale and I’m down this week!” kinda down either.
After stepping on the scale this morning, I feel defeated.
The scale and I have a history of bad relationships and I should know better than to go back to it. But the truth is, I always seem to find myself going back. If this were a real relationship (with a person), my friends and family would be telling me I was an idiot for going back to such an abusive relationship. My life would be filled with interventions and ultimatums. I would be surrounded by statements like “I can’t keep watching you do this to yourself” and “Why can’t you learn that this always ends in heartbreak” and “why can’t you EVER learn?”.
I really need to listen to those statements. Because they are completely true.
But then the “realist” in me says something like “There is NO POSSIBLE WAY you can NOT lose weight. At 220lbs, you have a lot to lose and that number is weigh (see what I did there?) too high to start pulling the “the scale doesn’t matter” card. When that number is down about 50lbs, THEN we can talk about not caring about that number. For now, my inner self is telling me not looking at those numbers, no matter how bad they make me feel, is just an excuse to allow myself to deny what I have become.
But it is so very hard to have a week like my last week – one where I drank lots of water, exercised 5 out of 7 days, ate better… and still saw a number higher this week than last. And I’m not even talking about an amount you can blame the clothes you are wearing type number either. Today, the number was 2 lbs higher than the last time I stepped on a scale (2 weeks ago).
And THAT makes me feel defeated.
I wonder if I should something like go to my doctor and ask for my thyroid to be tested, or go to a naturopath and check for food intolerances, or give weight watchers one more kick at the can… I’m just emotional, and frustrated, and wishing for an explanation. I’m trying so hard and people keep telling me they SEE a difference in me (or the shape of my body) but I can’t get past the fact that I SHOULD be seeing a difference in that number (rather than only in my clothes).
I’m just feeling down.
BUT, I’m not ready to give up and I will keep on trucking. Because I will NOT let that number get higher. But this still sucks.