Here’s the thing I am struggling with food. I am hungry what seems like all the time. I don’t know how much of it is true hunger and how much of it is my mind making my tummy rumble. My jeans are tight, uncomfortably tight. I feel panic setting in about it. I take deep breaths and remind myself that I am running a marathon in 4 weeks, a life long dream, about to come to fruition. I tell myself to worry about it later.
I am eating a lot, most of it is really healthy whole foods. I joke a lot about choc chips and while I eat my fair share of them, I also eat a lot of really nutritious foods. At least I know the food going in is the best of fuels. Yet, at the end of the day if I am honest with myself I know I am eating too much. I am reminded of the early days of this weight loss journey when I was stuffing almonds and avocado down the old gullet and thinking the calories didn’t matter because they were healthy. I went back to using my fitness pal this week, usually that does the trick gets me back on track being mindful of what I eat. So I have entered every almond, avocado, dried mango slice, falafel chip, spoonful of natural PB, sprouted wrap, Ezekiel cereal, Hemp Heart, Chia Seed and Dark Organic Choc Bar…it hasn’t slowed me down.
All my life I have struggled with self sabotaging myself. 4 weeks out from making a huge life long dream come true and I am over feeding myself, causing a rising panic. Forget that I am in great shape, fully ready to run that 42 km and rock it (rock it first time style, won’t be qualifying for Boston! lol). My thoughts and energies should be on preparing for the race and getting excited. Instead, I am walking through my days and evenings in a food fog, numb. What am I afraid of? Why am I doing this?
Well….Its written here now…there is something powerful about that alone. Can’t hide from that. I can’t hide behind the “its healthy food” and keep telling myself that its ok and doesn’t matter. It does matter. It matters because I am using food to sabotage myself again.
When I am running and my mind starts to say WHOA WHAT ARE YOU DOING….you better stop….I keep going. I need to find that strength and will and set myself straight on the food part. I need to fight this panic, push through it and know that I will be ok.