Katie: Trusting Myself

A week ago I hit my breaking point.  I was TIRED!  I was tired of thinking about food all the time, tired of counting calories and tracking everything I ate in My Fitness Pal (which is a great tool, I just needed a break), most of all I was tired of getting on the scale every day.  At the start of the year I told myself I was in “maintenance“ mode, but I hadn’t really allowed myself to fully enter that.  Yes, I was eating more, but I was still tracking and counting everything and worst of all getting on that scale every damn day. I was getting on that scale expecting to see that steady climb down, and yet I wasn’t “eating” for a loss any longer.  So it became very frustrating.  So in a brave moment of self perseverance, I decided it was finally time to let go.  To give myself a chance to “know and listen”  to what my body needs.

After all, on this almost 2 year journey to lose 105 pounds I didn’t always count calories and weigh myself daily.  I have only been doing that for the last 7 months or so.  A blog reader pointed that out to me, the other day and asked how I felt back then?  I felt less anxiety. I think I needed these tools to get me to where I am today but I don’t want to “live” this way.

The afternoon that I made this declaration, I decided to celebrate with dinner out.  We went out to a really nice restaurant and it felt so good to just order what I wanted and not worry about how many calories it was.  I was so relaxed! I had grilled shrimp and steak (cooked on a stone in front of me), sweet potato fries, dipping sauce for the fries, 2 glasses of wine and DESSERT! (and maybe just maybe a booze dessert coffee too) I ate slowly, I savored it, I left some of everything behind and stopped when I was full.  It was beautiful…and the best part is we had a blast as a family.  It was an amazing evening.  I got home and I was full and didn’t eat anymore that night.  No stuffing myself after because I felt like I had already “blown” it.  Just a happy and content Katie.

The next day, I woke up and headed to the bathroom scale when I remembered my new promise.  Again, I felt good.  RELIEVED.   At breakfast I even added some extra peanut butter in my smoothie thinking “why not!”

Saturday, I had my long run of 15km in the morning, and came home and fueled my body with good healthy food.  I made my new favorite Chicken and Gnocchi Soup for dinner that night and enjoyed some wine and dessert.  Sunday I had some treats, worked out, enjoyed Indian for dinner and again stopped eating when I was full.  Later that evening the panic started to set in…what was I doing…how many calories have I eaten…my anxiety started to rise…so I had a snack…and then another snack.  They were “healthy-ish” snacks (like my new fav chia seed pudding) but I wasn’t hungry in fact I was sort of full and uncomfortable and I was feeding myself for comfort.  But I told myself to calm down and trust.

I woke up Monday, with renewed promise that I was going to give this my best shot.  I thought of my fit healthy friends that live full happy lives, that eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full and don’t obsess over all this stuff.  I thought I can do this.

I’m not changing what I eat, I know that my body responds best to whole healthy food.  I put together a meal plan for the week as usual.  I hit the grocery store and loaded up the house with good wholesome food as usual.  I hit the gym as usual.  I spent a lot of time in the kitchen cooking and baking healthy food for the kids and I, as usual.

What was different was…

*when I made my cauliflower soup…I didn’t think about how many calories the coconut oil had I just thought…this is good for me.

* when I ate my meals, I didn’t have My Fitness Pal open entering the food as I ate it, I actually enjoyed my meal in peace (as peaceful as it get’s with two kids at the table.)

*when I was hungry I didn’t think twice about making a healthy snack and eating it (I should clarify…before I certainly would have made the snack..if I was hungry I ate…but its the mental part that is different..there is no baggage…no calculation)

*I’m not thinking about tracking food, I am thinking about how can I FUEL my body…what do I need? I’m trying to think of myself, as dare I say, an athlete, and treating it as such.

Overall, I feel really good.  I feel “lighter” and I feel free.  But I also have moments where I really do panic and think what am I doing.  I have even gone and opened My Fitness Pal with the intention of entering my day’s food to see where I am at and then have stopped and told myself I am being ridiculous.  I have gotten on the scale twice (I totally broke down, but at least it wasn’t every day) and I hope to go to once a week, then once a month weigh ins.  Both times I saw NO CHANGE.  So if anything I guess it reinforced that I am doing JUST FINE!

On this morning’s run,  I listened to Kelly Clarkson’s song “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger.” I tell you it really hit home on so many levels.  I think it should be my training song for the Marathon, and also it reminded me that this…this is just another trial…and I am going to be just fine.

So I guess, I am actually learning to trust my body…slowly..I am finding my way to a WHOLE and HEALTHY ME!

Happy Me with my girls