I thought this post would come easily… I felt like it was already written in my soul this week because I found a grace that can be elusive for me with regards to feeding myself. This week I found myself willing to take a few small steps in nurturing new habits that are in themselves nurturing. I’d waited, been in a bit of a holding pattern where I’ve been focussed on accepting the “unacceptable.” I’ve been eating pretty much what I want, when I want for awhile now and choosing to feel self lovingly towards myself not guilty and this is a feat of great something. It’s hard to choose this, requires a kind of dexterity that is not within our cultural norm. Everything in the market is screaming at us, just use this deodorant, drink this beer, wash rinse repeat and you’ll be ok. To turn us into good little consumers there is a multi kabillion dollar industry committed to telling us we’re not ok how we are. It’s taken my life time to find this little bit of peace, to know I can choose to feel peaceful.
I’ve pretty much been willing to accept the consequences of allowing myself to eat what I feel like which is that I’m a little bit round. Sometimes I fall into the fooling thinking or pretending eating is an act of rebellion and it’s such a tarnished mirage at 46 and the epitome of foolishness in a time when I have a legacy of wisdom and dignity longing to be bestowed upon me. We all do, it’s the grace of maturity if we might rise to the challenge. We need women who have self love and acceptance, that say exactly how I am is enough, I wouldn’t change me, to show us how. I need this. This isn’t found in a cookie jar or gym this is found inside and in the eyes of those we love, I hope for us each in our very own eyes.
All I know is that every time I have lost weight and I have so many many times and almost always by some unnatural contortions and lots of discomfort though also some freedoms; it’s not a simple linear journey. There is often a grace in discipline but mostly that’s not what I have found it’s mostly been a struggle to take the weight off. And each time I did it, I ultimately ended up weighing more than when I started. And it becomes true what they whisper that the way to gain weight is to go on a diet.
And so I have taken it slow this time, telling myself it’s ok to just be, to eat what I would like to eat and try to instead focus on self love and acceptance and not have this be focussed on the way my body is. A wise friend once reminded me that it’s not as if not accepting actually changes anything anyway. My whole life I have been so sure my body was unacceptable unless I was in a complete place of self denial which very briefly had me in a very small body that I felt was worthy but… it never lasted cause then I would start with it not being toned or whatever… I felt already at 5 years old that I was fat and when I look at photos now I see a tiny little girl with round lovely cheeks between her pony tails. I want to let her know how perfectly delightful and adored she is, how we all are.
This week when I decided I feel ready to let go of eating sugar for the most part. I blame all of you, somehow sharing this journey a little without having to be more than I am is healing. I’m not saying I will never eat sugar again. I’ve learned it’s never good for me to have inflexible rules cause it instigates my inner rebel and there’s always a back lash. I just know that I often feel tired after eating sugar and chocolate actually gives me a headache except for mint chocolate strangely that seems ok. I know I mostly reach for sugar out of guilt. I sometimes feel that I feel an inherent shame in the very experience of hunger. I must sound so loopy, but this isn’t where I live, this is where I write, what writing is for me is this journey of self awareness and always in a shared and awared way. I’m trying to trace the roots of this affliction I have of not accepting my body, cause I begin to intuit that the weight is a mere symptom of this greater cultural malaise.
Anyways I don’t want to eat sugar cause I don’t feel well when I do and if I give myself something more substantial to eat it’s easy not to. I’ve had a nice week with pretty steady energy and it feels like a nice little foundation to build on when I am ready. There’s a part of me that fears that time is running out and I might be struck with some crazy disease because I let myself become heavy by overeating but that’s again when I am thinking in morality and shame ways. I feel pretty good and am taking healthy little steps towards this truly self loving and nurturing reality that I feel awaits us all and even would like to meet us half way but can’t come more than that very often cause we won’t let it. Of course I still harbor fantasies of my weight melting off effortlessly and I wish this for each of us but more I wish for each of us that we might accept and love how it is right now, how we are right now so much that we wouldn’t want to trade it for a slim body cause we value we’d be negating who and how we are. I’d love to see the weight be a different issue than the self love and acceptance cause then I think it would be easier to be healthy however that looks for each.
When my bodies disintegrates into dust it’s not it’s not it’s shape that I hope will be remembered but that I dared to share something of truth.