I’ve been taking an inventory of sorts this past week. It started with a run just over a week ago, on a Saturday morning with a good friend of mine. I love our runs together, out early on a weekend, when I should be in pj’s drinking coffee and surfing the net, and instead she somehow gets my butt out the door for a run. We run and we talk. I love it. This particular run we talked about the scale and how for both of us we have gotten a bit ‘obsessed’ with getting on it everyday. So in the nature that is our friendship, we enjoy challenging each other, we set a new challenge not to get on it for a week. A whole week of not standing on the scale.
In all honesty, I was bit hesitant, it was such a part of my daily routine and quite frankly I like what it tells me. But I also hate that I like what it tells me. I hated that I was so attached to what the scale said, and I know (oh I know damn well how close that is to my disordered eating past) that’s not healthy for me, and that was sending off alarm bells in my head. So I went through a week without the scale, everything else was the same. I ate well, I exercised and I wanted to get on the scale for it tell me ‘Way to Go’. But I didn’t get on the scale and instead I told myself ‘way to go’. I have to admit it felt weird not getting on the scale and it felt a bit liberating as well. I felt ‘lighter’ actually. Friday came, and I cheated and got on the scale a day early knowing I would be indulging in a more ‘relaxed’ dinner and some wine (part of my trying to live a more ‘balanced’ lifestyle on the weekends) and was a bit miffed to see that my weight had stayed the same. I figured that because of my ‘effort’ in not getting on the scale there should have been some kind of reward. I lost sight of why I had stayed off it in the first place, it wasn’t for a weight loss reward, it was for a mental reward.
I got off the scale that day and thought about how far I had come, that I have lost 92 pounds and I have gained so much more. I went through my day thinking a lot about what I have gained. That night brushing my teeth I noticed my arms…yes my arms..and I thought HEY NOW…those are looking pretty good. I have hated my arms for so very long, so big and fatty and don’t get my started on the flags….but now…now they look muscular and I dare say the flags are shrinking. I did something crazy and I got down to my skivvies and really REALLY LOOKED AT MYSELF in the mirror. You have to understand that I spent years and years avoiding that mirror. That I dreaded catching a glimpse of myself in it. I hated my body. To this day I still often look at the mirror with one eye closed, out of habit. YES with one eye closed. How telling is that. But that night I took stock. I’m not shameful to say that for once I liked what I saw. Yes I still have a saggy, mushy belly, and a lot of skin that likely will never go away on its own. But I am ok with that. I like my muscular legs and toned arms enough to be ok with the ‘pouch’. I got out my diary and I made a list. A list of things that mean more to me then that number on the scale. First I wrote down my children’s names, and my husband’s name. Then I wrote down speed, endurance, and strength. I am so proud of my physical abilities, and get such a high from accomplishing new feats. I don’t want to sacrifice that for weight loss. Writing that list put things in perspective for me. The thing is I know myself and if I let myself get too caught up in the ‘weight’ part of this journey, I will sacrifice the things on that list. Namely the people’s names I wrote down on that list. So I am working really hard to stay sane, to stay strong, and to live a ‘healthy life’.
Part of living that healthy life is doing things like:
- deciding to run a marathon in May, you have to take care of yourself to do that
- making fitness dates with new friends, like I did this past Sunday with a member from Losing it in Ottawa, she has inspired me to achieve new STRENGTH goals (she is so strong and beautiful)
- working out with my friends and talking, sharing our ups and downs and supporting each other
- setting new fitness goals to keep the focus off the scale (like the run 50 miles in Nov challenge, and getting more serious about the ‘Strength’ portion of my training