It’s week 23 and I am frustrated with myself. I don’t really have any progress to report this week, because I don’t think I made any and perhaps my subconscious decided to conveniently forget that today was my weigh-in day.
I don’t know how to get re-motivated. I’ve been struggling for over 8 weeks now and I’ve tried faking it but that isn’t working. Like any addict – and I think I am a food addict – you have to want to make a change and I’m starting to doubt that I have the will at this moment in time. Unfortunately, since I’m not spending every spare moment exercising, something’s got to give.
I spent the weekend and today reflecting on what I’m doing, why I’m not making progress and what’s keeping me from getting back on the wagon. I knew my post was coming up and, with just one short week before we give our 8-week results, I felt the need to figure out what I’m doing, because I’m sure not meeting the goals I set – truly, not even close.
Three days of reflecting and I came up with nothing. I don’t know why I can’t seem to move forward and that’s probably the most discouraging feeling I’ve had since we started this journey.
I’ve had legitimate setbacks – far more than I expected. But I’ve made excuses too – far more than I’d like to admit. I’m embarrassed about that. I feel like such a stereotypical fat girl. The one who’s on a perpetual diet without ever losing weight – eating salads in front of everyone she knows, talking about the great healthy steps she’s taking, all the while sneaking chocolate when no one is looking – the great saboteur.
I’ve begun to seriously doubt the value I’m bringing to this blog each week. I have lots to say, but if I can’t back it up with results, why am I here? Am I failing my readers? Failing my fellow contributors? Failing myself? When I posed these questions to myself, the answer I came up with was a resounding, “YES!” The one that bothers me the most is that I’m failing myself. I have good reasons to need to lose weight.
Somewhere along the way, I lost my focus on just how important this is to me. I got caught up in everything that was going on and forgot to pay attention to what I’m eating one meal – one mouthful – at a time. I forgot to make exercise a non-negotiable priority. I let myself begin to make excuses, the rationalizations becoming easier with every instance.
And maybe that’s the answer I was searching for this weekend. A need to re-focus and take this seriously once again.
Though I’ve had to face some hard truths this week, there were a few things I was happy to have accomplished. I had my second day of reaching 10,000 steps and I actually got over 12,000 that day. Given the cold weather this past week, I’m pretty happy about that. Several other days, I hit the 8,000 mark, but I haven’t been walking around outside as much in the bitter cold. I’ll be very happy when the deep freeze weeks are over.
I also re-started two goals I began at the beginning of this 8 weeks. It’s been quite a while since I stepped on my elliptical since I’ve been doing other activities to get my exercise in, so I jumped back on tonight. I did 30 minutes after weeks of not touching it and I think I could have gone longer. I know it’s only a week away, but I think I can get to 60 minutes again. That was a goal I had at the beginning of this 8 weeks, and it’s the one I want to achieve the most right now.
The other goal I re-started was the 100 Pushups challenge that Lara started back in December. I did the initial test and one more night and then completely flaked out due to complete forgetfulness. I have no other excuse, but that was genuinely why I didn’t keep going. This time I have a reminder set up three times a week and I’m posting my results after each day on Twitter/Facebook. Tonight I did week 1, day 1.
It’s a start. I still feel like I’m trying to fake it ’til I make it. My enthusiasm for this process is low at the moment, but some success can change that. I have to start somewhere.